In a Sexless Marriage? You’re not alone. ❤️ Relief is on the Way.

What is a sexless marriage?

Different experts define a sexless marriage in varying ways.

Some say if you haven’t had sex in at least a year, you’re in a sexless marriage.

Others define a sexless marriage according to the number of times you’ve had sex over a certain period of time.

These numbers mean nothing to me.

Instead, it can be quite annoying when a Netflix show throws out one of those statistics unexpectedly.

He’ll shoot up a proud knowing glance that we meet the criteria for a fulfilling sex life.

While I secretly scoff to myself, “Who came up with such an inane number for a sexless marriage out of thin air?”

Because let’s face it, the problem of not having enough sex can’t be measured or defined precisely.

Everyone defines a healthy sex life differently

If you take an informal survey of family and friends (assuming they’d be honest), you’ll hear different answers about what defines a healthy fulfilling sex life.

For example, you could ask a person who has sex with their spouse once every week if they are in a sexless marriage. They’ll emphatically admit that they are unhappy and starved for affection.

However, if you ask their partner the same question, they might respond that they have a very healthy sex life. They may even pat themselves on the back for “giving it to their partner” once every week.

See the discrepancy?

Unfortunately, sexuality is a very nuanced experience unique to each individual. Not even marriage ensures two people end up on the same page of sex and love.

Therefore, as mentioned, a sexless marriage must be defined where the discontent with the sexual relationship begins.

5 common reasons for a sexless marriage

Major life changes

Anyone who is in a long term relationship knows that major life changes like having a baby, changing jobs, in-laws moving in, and the stock market crashing, will most likely negatively impact libido.

The tricky part is that each of these major life changes will have a different effect on each partner.

A husband might be “turned on” at the thought that his wife is now a mother. However, his wife may be “turned off” at her new stretch marks. Having a baby and its effect on the sex life is an article all on its own.

Just know this, be prepared for major changes to your sex life if you’re a couple who is about to have a child, either biological or adopted.

Cut yourself some slack and show your partner a lot of grace. Your partner is going through some major psychological and physical changes. This will most definitely have an effect on frequency of sexual interaction.

It seems obvious why other circumstances like a financial upset could affect libido. Yet it’s not so obvious when you’re in the middle of the crisis, starved for sex or annoyed by your spouse’s sexual advances.

One partner may deal with a financial crisis by wanting more sex, because it’s comforting to be close with their partner during uncertain times.

The other partner may feel shame because of the financial difficulties and feel unworthy of physical affection, therefore turn away from having sex.

Try to remember that your partner will process major life changes differently than you.

It may take a while to clearly identify what is actually bothering your partner, but show them patience and slowly open up a dialogue.

Physical problems

We already hinted at childbirth as a possible reason for a sexless marriage. While having a baby is definitely a physical experience that will cause a libido roller coaster, it’s not the only physical cause of a sexless marriage.

Sometimes a mental issue can develop years after you and your spouse get together.

Depression, bipolar disorder, PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder), are among a long list of psychological and physical burdens that can significantly affect the frequency and predictability of your sex life.

For instance, it’s possible that dealing with a mental condition causes more significant swings of sexual activity that equate to hypersexuality or hyposexuality.

These swings may leave you questioning what you’re doing wrong as a partner.

Sometimes we mistake low libido for manipulation

You may even feel your spouse is using sex as a tool of manipulation. When in fact, you and your partner are at the mercy of their body, mind, and biology, until you can identify an acceptable pattern of predictability that supports a healthy sex life.

Of course there are other issues like erectile dysfunction or vaginal dryness that can be a symptom of an entire array of physical issues.

The irony is that even though you may have been with your spouse for over a decade, “sexual deficiencies” are often embarrassing to discuss with your closest loved one.

It can be so much easier just to keep your discontent inside and fail to communicate your feelings, especially if you’re the cause of a diminutive sex life.

Be brave when you’re dealing with your sexuality and get help sooner rather than later.

Also, know that you are not alone. You can be assured that the “problem” you experience in regard to sex frequency, is not new. Others are in the same boat.

Emotional disconnect

Of all the reasons for a sexless marriage, I personally believe “emotional disconnect” is the most difficult to address.

Here’s why.

Emotions are crazy, unpredictable, layered, fossilized, overwhelming, and quickly changing.

There are potentially a zillion different reasons you’re emotionally disconnected from your partner.

Maybe you tried to bury your hurt and you never really expressed your feelings openly, so now every time you’re having sex with your partner, this memory of disappointment flashes through your mind.

Then, once you’re done with one-off, detached, meaningless, cold sex with your partner, that “problem” or “memory” lays buried just below the surface so you’re unable to bring it up because real life is too busy to merit a knock down drag out exploration of feelings.

When you’re with someone for a long time, you experience many changes.

The problem is that many of the changes you experience, you don’t experience together.

Whether physical or emotional, sometimes we don’t want to bother our partner with our problems. This can be beneficial but it can also be detrimental to our sex life. It can lead to the feeling that we’re just going through the motions when it comes to our sex life.

Being emotionally detached during sex can leave you with a very icky feeling, so it’s essential to address this lack of intimacy that will most definitely bring your sex life to a screeching halt if you’re not careful.

Here is an article that addresses intimacy, affection, and learning how to be vulnerable again with your partner.

To be sure, a sexless marriage requires a greater investment in emotional intimacy.

Medication

I’m not a medical doctor, so won’t go into the effect of specific medications on your sex life.

But from personal experience, I advise not to underestimate the effect of medications on your libido.

Sometimes we go on and off medications and that medication will have a different effect on our sex life than it did when we initially started the medication.

Yes, certain medications will definitely have an effect on the frequency of sex you desire or can physically sustain.

But please, don’t use medication as an excuse not to get to the bottom of other issues that are the root cause, such as a lack of emotional intimacy or boredom with your partner.

This isn’t fair to the relationship.

Talk to your doctor and try different medications that won’t screw around with your sex life. 🙂

Boredom

Yes, I said it.

Assuming you’re in a monogamous relationship, it’s only natural for boredom to set in, especially if you’ve been with your partner for years.

Here’s the thing though.

This is a very complex and touchy subject.

Hopefully you have a safe space to talk about the feeling of apathy in your sex life, but it’s never easy to be so bold as to say,

“I’m bored with you, with us, with our sex.”

Sometimes boredom with your partner in bed, is only an indication of your general dissatisfaction with life.

So it isn’t fair to put all the pressure on what’s happening under the sheets.

Because this is a PG site, we won’t get into specifics for lighting the fire in the bedroom, but there are plenty of resources online that go into the details of this subject according to your moral frame of reference.

I’m a bit old school and believe that we each bring our own responsibility to spice things up.

Though I’m sure there are situations where libidos become so miss-matched, it seems impossible and you’re really feeling frustrated with your lackluster options.

Don’t lose heart.

Again, communication is key.

Maybe your partner is feeling the same thing and they are just too shy to mention it!

Effect of sexless marriage on husband or wife

Again, this depends.

If your spouse’s libido is low, then why would they care if they’re in a sexless marriage?

On the other hand, if your partner has a very intense libido, a sexless marriage could be the death of the relationship to them.

I always heard that if you don’t want your man to cheat, you need to give him as much sex as he wants.

Well, for the record, that’s dumb.

There are a billion different reasons someone might choose to stray and a sexless marriage is only one of them.

So, don’t put the extra pressure on yourself to force sex in your marriage just so your spouse will be faithful to you.

Instead, try to be reasonable, authentic and honest with your partner.

What can I say to my spouse if I’m unhappy with our sex life?

Say something like,

“I really would like to have more sex and it seems our libidos aren’t in sync and haven’t been for a while. Do you think there’s anything we can do about this? Is there something I could change to make things better?”

Or say,

“I’m very concerned you will cheat on me because I haven’t been feeling very sexual lately. I feel so insecure I don’t know what to do with myself. I really want to please you but I have so little sexual desire it feels like I’m having non-consensual sex when we make love. What can we do?”

The idea is that you really have no idea what’s going on in your partner’s mind if you’re not willing to be vulnerable with them about what you are thinking.

Some of these suggested conversation starters assume positive intent in your partner.

Obviously if there are issues of abuse, gaslighting, or other dysfunctions, this article won’t apply to your relationship.

Dangers of a sexless marriage

The only obvious danger is the elephant in the room. The idea that your partner will go elsewhere to get their sexual satisfaction.

Yes, this feels like a scary proposition, but dangerous?

Yes, a sexless marriage is a threat to your relationship.

Hell or high water, the problem of a sexless marriage will eventually come to a head. 🙂

There’s no way to ignore the incongruence in your sex life without the top eventually blowing off.

You can ignore this problem for as long as you want, to the detriment of your relationship. However, until one of you is brave enough to respectfully sit down with your spouse and open up about your feelings, your marriage is at risk.

Don’t wait.

Yes, being vulnerable feels like jumping into the deep end without knowing how to swim.

But if you want to experience a great sex life, you have to be willing to take a great risk.

How to survive a sexless marriage without cheating

All of the above.

In conclusion, cheating will just be a temporary fix.

What you want is for your marriage partnership to work optimally.

You want to reconnect with your life love. You desire to experience a healthy sex life within the safety of your commitment to each other.

So while cheating might be a strong temptation, it won’t solve your problem of a sexless marriage.

And I think we all know, self pleasure is not going to cut the bill.

LoveLifeLinks.com believes you can fix your sexless marriage and have a fulfilling love life with your partner.

Remember, you can feel love anywhere. Anytime. All the time.