Codependency hurts | Addicted to your codependent relationship?

Codependency Framework

A few years ago, I heard a memorable story about codependency.

A leadership development professor who created a leadership personality framework, stood in front of our MBA cohort. He told us about his divorce many years prior.

The divorce had been the result of a codependent relationship with his wife.

He described his codependent ex-wife as: clingy and indecisive.

I could relate.

“That’s me,” I thought. “clingy and indecisive.”

But, the professor didn’t just throw his wife under the bus.

That is to say, he took personal responsibility for the part he played in the dysfunction of his marriage.

In short, through a painful journey of self discovery, he came to recognize himself as: condescending and controlling.

Similarly, my relationships began much the same.

Consequently, for years I internalized my relationship dysfunction as “all my fault.”

“I’m the weak one. If I was stronger and smarter, I wouldn’t let my partners dominate and take advantage of me.” “I’m codependent,” I told myself.

Hearing the professor’s story reminded me that codependency wasn’t my fault alone.

Codependency takes two.

Codependency Gridlock

In other words, if your partner is codependent, there’s a good chance you are too.

However, both partners self-righteously believe their individual behaviors are justified.

Unfortunately, we call this unhealthy dynamic “codependency.”

I never fully understood the concept of “codependency.” That is to say, I thought relationships should be co-dependent to some degree.

Being able to depend on your partner is a good thing.

“What is the purpose of a relationship if two partners can’t depend on each other?” I reasoned.

As a result, I refused to admit that codependency had hijacked my relationships.

Codependency is bad for both partners

In my estimation, the teaching and guidance on co-dependency favors the “stronger” personalities.

That is to say, most of the burden is placed on people pleasers to break the toxic bonds of codependency. Moreover, those more susceptible to falling in line as the victim are expected to start setting boundaries.

For example, codependency experts tend to put the initial blame on those who are natural people pleasers.

Above all, they place less responsibility on spouses who take advantage of a husband or wife who is overly “kind and giving.”

In contrast, the professor who came clean about his role in a co-dependent relationship gave me a new perspective on how I could move forward. In short, I didn’t need to assume all the blame.

Unfortunately, I’d become too comfortable in my role as victim.

This meant it was time for me to do my own soul searching. Most importantly, I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself.

To clarify, it was time for me to acknowledge codependency as a team sport.

Taking Personal Responsibility

As a result of the professor’s story, I began to ask myself some difficult questions:

• How can I change?
• Why am I the way that I am?
• Can codependency be fixed if my partner doesn’t recognize their part in the dysfunction?
• Am I destined to be in co-dependent relationships?
• Can I emerge from this process of self-discovery with a new and improved identity?

These questions led me to discover a few insights. My searching helped me restore peace and joy in my relationships.

Now, I’ll share some of the codependency insights below.

5 Codependency Insights

1. You can accept responsibility without blaming yourself entirely

Firstly, some personality types take total and “false responsibility” for the state of a co-dependent relationship.

This is unfair.

One person can’t take complete blame for a co-dependent relationship.

It’s important for you not to place the blame entirely on yourself.

It’s also important that you honestly admit your part in the dysfunction.

Only then, will you be ready to move toward healing.

2. Codependency has deep roots in memorized patterns of childhood behavior

Second, codependency is difficult to overcome because it has deep roots in the dysfunction we internalized as children.

Most parents don’t say hurtful things or behave in dysfunctional ways to intentionally harm us. But, our parent’s actions can negatively infiltrate our psyche.

Therefore, our childhood can create the perfect conditioning for a lifetime of codependency.

As an example, I remember when one of my parents told me,

“You’re getting too big for your britches, little lady.”

Therefore, for a while I habitually minimized my accomplishments. This ensured I didn’t get “too big for my britches.”

Consequently, this devolved into me never standing up for myself or highlighting my accomplishments. I thought this would keep the peace in my relationships. Thus, my partners depended on me to play the role of a “humble” peacemaker.

I’m not implying parents or the past are to blame for our continued dysfunction.

In contrast, I’m saying we have to dig deep if we want to root out negative patterns we’ve developed over a lifetime.

3. Fixing codependency requires accountability from all parties involved

Third, accountability should apply to both partners.

For the longest time, I focused on my role as victim in the setup of codependency.

As a result, I had the mentality that others “did things to me.”

I thought I could fix my dissatisfaction in relationships by making sure, “the buck stopped with me.”

However, my accountability was only a verbal acknowledgement of my toxic codependency patterns.

That is to say, I needed to hold myself AND others accountable for codependent behaviors.

This looked less like feeling sorry for myself and more like setting boundaries.

I had to learn how to say no.

Moreover, accountability requires candid and consistent communication even when our spouse is accustomed to persistently downplaying our point of view.

4. Codependency doesn’t define you, it confines you

Fourthly, codependency doesn’t define you. Therefore, It doesn’t have to define your relationships going forward.

Codependency is not a life sentence.

Instead, the greater concern is that codependency confines you to a small life experience.

Most importantly, codependency limits your options. It tricks you into believing your joy depends on someone else’s behavior toward you.

5. Codependency leaves scars, as reminders of how far you’ve come and how far you have to go

Codependency leaves scars.

For example, the professor finally realized his role in creating a codependent relationship. But, it was too late to salvage his marriage.

Similarly, we each develop scars on our self-discovery journey.

Sometimes our scars remind us of how far we’ve come.

On the other hand, our scars often mock us. We question whether building self-awareness was even worth it.

Therefore, eliminating the dysfunction of codependency causes distress in the initial confrontation. Your decision to change will be life altering.

As a result, the good news is you’ll escape the long-term damage of losing yourself entirely.

Conclusion

In summary, codependency is a common relationship issue.

Fortunately, it’s entirely within your power to learn how to set boundaries.

Use the insights above to start a dialogue with yourself and your partner.

In conclusion, don’t underestimate the difficulty of the journey. Reward yourself for small wins along the way.

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