Indefensible: 3 reasons women (and men) stay, and why you need to finally grow a backbone

No one wakes up thinking that one day they’ll end up the fool.  By fool, in this case, I mean at the mercy of a mercenary. In fact, many of us aspire to be the hero—the do-gooder who will come to the rescue of others, not the one who needs to be rescued.  I certainly never predicted that I’d be the one in an indefensible situation.  By indefensible, I mean, there’s no argument or sane reasoning that can explain how I got to where I am, and sadly, where many others are, at the hands of their aggressor —

• unable to process information confidently and logically, 
• having a skewed sense of justice and injustice, 
• fearful of the unknown to the tragic point of physical unrest and eventual mental and physiological breakdown, 
• holding the unshakeable belief that “maybe it really is just me,” and worst of all, 
• hearing the ever tempting voice that reminds you this could all stop if you just ended your life, 

Because what good is life when you’ve already given, and they’ve already taken your soul, dignity, and sanity? 

Many shakily hold onto hope because they know their family, their children depend on them, but many others never escape the venom of a mate who only seeks to kill and destroy their reason for living. In fact, unlike other deadly enemies who eventually surrender at counter-aggression, this opponent, like the deadliest ‘funnel web’ spider in the world, only becomes more aggressive when you truly take the steps to separate yourself from their toxicity and finally stand up in your own defense.  

How could someone who was supposed to love you, hate you so much? How can they take so much and give nothing in return?  Maybe tomorrow they’ll wake up, they’ll appreciate how you’ve stood by them through thick and thin. On that day, all the suffering will make sense and you’ll recover the years you’ve spent defending their actions, minimizing your personhood, and jeopardizing your life for their sadistic and selfish pleasure. 

But that day never comes.  

Unfortunately, we’ve married a masterful menace who sees us as a commodity rather than an equal partner. So, on our worst days we suffer as the victim.  At times we try to assuage the situation by creating workarounds like, 

• learning what to say and what not to say at just the right times, 
• stroking their ego rather than challenging their actions or attitudes, 
• downplaying our own worth by directly or indirectly giving them all the credit for everything good, and,
• taking all the blame for anything bad.  

In summary, we hide ourselves away, to neutralize the threat. 

But one day, on our best day, we step into the ring ready to fight knowing this could result in the final blow. Unfortunately, it’s not easy to stay in the fight, we stumble backward into our corner of the ring, sometimes with a coach in our ear, other times alone. We’re too accustomed to backing down out of fear and our response to trauma dictates our lack of resolve after an attack has been mounted against our energy reserves.  We’re in constant recovery mode with our heart racing, stomach sinking, mind spinning, and emotions blunting.

But, this article is not written from the perspective of a medical analysis or psychological diagnosis to bring healing. A theoretical understanding or judgement can’t erase what’s happening in the body and mind or get to the heart of indefensible behaviors a victim exhibits.  This article is written from my perspective — an intelligent, beautiful and loving person who is determined to step outside victimhood, all the while struggling to stay in the fight.  I’ve spent the past few months radically vacillating between the roles of neutralizer and fighter, and now I have a strong desire to demystify the inexplicable—not for them, but for us. Even though, they too, are indefensible—we’re the ones whose lives are at stake, and we’re the ones who alone, hold our destiny.  

So, why do we stay?

Outside of a professional lens or deep dive into the past, I’m going to share my own experience and give a few simple indefensible reasons for why it’s taken 20 years for me to realize life is waiting on no one.

Paralyzing shock and denial 

My relationship started out with the mutual aim to eventually get married.  We were good friends in the beginning.  Regular, satisfactory sex.  Casual hanging out with routine activities.  Comfortable with each other’s company. Both with a comparable level of intelligence.  While I won’t get into the details of every relationship dynamic, my ex was an exchange student from abroad.  I was just finishing up my BA degree when we met.  He started his college career late and was finishing his first year of university.  Things were good and we got along well.  Except for the glitches.  

A glitch is like watching an old timey box TV and suddenly the static appears on the screen, interrupting, but quickly returning back to the original picture.  You just keep watching.  Right?  What else can you do?  If it doesn’t get too bad, it’s still worth your time.  Maybe, you’ll even get up and adjust the antenna. Well, some examples of those glitches in my relationship were me finding a condom that was not ours, sudden upheaval in my perception of reality when he re-told my reality to me. 

I began to question myself and spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I’d done wrong, or why he was reacting to me negatively and harshly, but also in a cool collected way.  But those weren’t the instances of paralyzing shock.  Those were just the glitches.  The paralyzing shock happened when we visited his home country.  On that trip, I was isolated and treated as a nuisance, a third wheel—almost as if we’d never met.  But the real shocker was when he looked at me in the airport on the way home and said, “You’re a piece of shit.” He kept walking.  My mind raced as I tried to make sense of it.  I could not.  I was paralyzed with pain. So, I buried it in favor of moving forward based on the past we shared together.  I stayed.  

Shame from the past

It isn’t uncommon in relationships to misunderstand what the other wants or intends.  But, these issues are settled by communicating.  If there is no communication, if there is only one-sided manipulation, you run the risk of being shamed at every corner, being made to believe that everything is your fault. That things they’d wanted were things you’d wanted.  Things he didn’t get were things you intentionally withheld, when you know deep down you’d given him anything you had to give—and in fact had given beyond what made sense to others. 

They shame you.  You feel ashamed.  That shame grows deep roots. You try to defend yourself, but more and more timidly only attempt to explain yourself, then eventually stop saying anything at all. He shuts you down by quickly and harshly dismissing you.  “Is this a normal part of relationships?” you ask yourself.  Aren’t disagreements and pain and shame the name of the game?  The answers don’t matter anymore. 5-10-15, then 20 years. I stayed.

Too much skin in the game

At every juncture, whether backed into the corner of shame, or unable to move because you’re so shocked by emotional gut punches—it always seems like you have too much skin in the game.  You reason with yourself. Yeah, but we laugh.  We spend time together.  He is smart.  I’ve traveled to another continent and met his family. He probably just had a bad day.  The way he treats me is a result of a troubled childhood.

One child together, it’s probably just the stress of providing for the family.  Second child together, he’s just pissed about this pregnancy because they’re double the trouble.  He’s a good man.  Five children later and you’re still finding condoms. You’re still being told to shut the f*** up. It’s all the same thing, just more of it, with more years under your belt.  Not just that, but he’s a part of your DNA now, your children are forever his.  For 20 years, at any moment, from the first f*** you to the most recent, I always had too much skin in the game.  I stayed.  

It’s time to grow a backbone way faster than all the years have passed

I don’t mean to be rude, because I really don’t like rudeness.  In fact, after having stayed 20 years with an a**hole, I’m even more paranoid about not wanting to be like him.  Again, especially from an outsiders view–the fact that I stayed is indefensible. Deep down, you know it’s time. So, take this journey with me. Let’s reach the finish line of misery and turn the corner toward a peaceful tomorrow.

But, first, this means — you’ve got to get your shit together.  I get it.  I gave a pretty dense explanation above, a watered down version of all the intense throw up pain I’ve experienced through the years.  But, I’m with you.  I know it’s been excruciatingly back breaking hard. So, I’m here to say three things to you:

1) I understand.

2) You and your feelings are legit 

3) Get your shit together, life is short. 

Don’t let them steal your joy, your life, your potential to feel and experience true love. 

Find your own “f*** you.”

LoveLifeLinks.com believes you’ll find the strength to live a life of love.

Remember, you can feel love anywhere, anytime, all the time.