My husband is incarcerated, now what?
My husband is incarcerated. Now what?
My husband was sentenced to 3 years in a prison camp for a financial crime. So my search began. I started googling how to move forward. I wanted to know what to expect next, how to manage my household alone, and the probability of keeping our relationship together.
But I quickly realized that most of the online information focused solely on how the wife could support her husband through his prison sentence.
Don’t get me wrong–I want my husband to be o.k., it’s just that I also needed my own help, practical insights, and consolation.
So, I decided to take the time to write this article and share my experience with other wives whose husbands are in prison, hoping you’ll find the courage to move forward in peace and love. Even though you may be discouraged or overwhelmed by the future, remember, “now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13
Great!! Now my husband is a felon!
Never in a million years could I have guessed that my husband would be serving time in prison. It just wasn’t a part of my vision board for life. I never had a “thing” for bad boys. “Arrested Development” wasn’t on my list of bingeworthy Netflix series.
But nonetheless, here I am, feverishly turning down my phone volume. I need to be sure no one can hear. “This is a call from a federal prison. This call is from <<insert name>>, this call is subject to monitoring and recording at any time. To accept this call, press 5….”
How many times would I have to hear “This call” before I stopped feeling a tinge of shame?
However, despite the embarrassment or stigma we may initially feel, we aren’t obligated to get stuck in the tragedy of it all. Truth is–life has served us this unexpected cuisine that we can either frown upon or fully savor with an open mind.
So, please allow me to share a few of the lessons I’ve learned as a wife with a husband who is locked up.
4 simple revelations | For wives only
1. You’re not obligated to stay sad!
Keep in mind, my intent is not to minimize any pain you may be moving through right now!
When I dropped my husband off at the prison complex, it was the strangest feeling I’ve ever experienced. To be honest, my emotions didn’t match the magnitude of what was unfolding. Some might say I was in shock or that the survival mechanism had kicked in.
But I think I was relieved (and maybe even indifferent) because a dark chapter of our life was finally closed. We were now moving past what had been an excruciating period of uncertainty — waiting on his sentencing.
As I drove back home, I had no idea how my feelings would change over the following days, weeks, months or even years. However, I knew one thing for certain. My reaction to the prison sentence could make or break my children’s morale.
In the process of staying outwardly positive for my 5 children, ranging in ages from 8-15, I realized that it was o.k. for me to find my own happy place.
My husband was likely struggling with his loss of freedom. But I still had the freedom to choose joy.
2. People don’t need to hear you say, “My husband is incarcerated.”
In my case, our family has never been highly connected socially, so it wasn’t like we had a huge social construct at risk of imploding. We only had a handful of family and friends with whom we felt compelled to share our circumstances.
However, for a while, I felt like everyone (even strangers) knew that my husband is incarcerated. Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t. Thankfully, that paranoia faded with time.
But even now, when I show up to “the party” (family reunions, Christmas get togethers, church gatherings) with five children, absent their father — I question whether to clear the air by formally mentioning that my husband is incarcerated. Ultimately, I decided that regardless of what others knew or didn’t know, I had no responsibility to confirm their suspicions.
My husband is incarcerated, but I have no obligation to shout it from the rooftop!
This was less about embarrassment and more about simplicity. A lot of people like to talk about “community” and how essential it is to surround yourself with support. I get it, but in my case, letting others “in” would have taken the focus off of my family.
Outside reactions (whether positive or negative) could potentially cause harm to my children or complicate our lives in unnecessary ways.
When I suspect someone is calling to “check on me,” outside of family, I let the phone go to voicemail.
I’m not suggesting this should be your approach. But it has worked for me.
3. Your husband’s emotional state doesn’t have to dictate yours
Despite, my best efforts, there are days my husband’s frustration expresses itself as a jab at me. Sometimes I let this take me down a dark road.
I mean, after all, “He’s lucky to have a wife like me.” Right?
Here are a few things I’ve done to ease his time there:
- Responding promptly to his inquiries and requests
- Pre-addressing and stamping enough envelopes to last for several months, so my children can write him a letter at-will
- Setting intentional time aside for my children to send him a note about what’s new in their life
- Regularly sending him photos, so he can keep up with what’s going on here at home
- Trying my best to send him desirable pictures of me within the guidelines of what’s allowed
- Never missing one of his calls
- Researching the possibilities of early release
- Sending current event articles
Thankfully, I’ve gotten better at remembering his behavior or mood isn’t a reflection on me. Yes, his circumstances are difficult. But as a wife, you can choose to support him while also setting boundaries in support of your own emotional well-being.
4. Love is the greatest revelation
Marriage can be its own prison of sorts.
But it’s not always a simple matter of breaking free.
Instead, you learn to love your partner for better or worse as you move through the years. And you also learn to love yourself against all odds. But sometimes all that loving just doesn’t seem to be enough. Often, one person demonstrates love more than the other.
However, marriage cannot survive the inequitable expression of love. Sadly, this becomes even more apparent when your spouse is locked up.
Despite religious interpretations of carrying the cross of marital bitterness until death, love requires more than sacrifice.
No amount of sacrifice can outperform true love.
You may sacrifice your own wellbeing to lovingly support your husband behind bars, but he should also do everything within his power to reassure you of his love.
I mentioned at the beginning of the article that I spent time googling the likelihood of marriage outliving a prison sentence.
The stats aren’t great. You may wonder if you’ll ever be able to forgive him.
According to a Florida State University study, “The longer the inmate is in prison, the more likely the marriage is to fail. One recent study found that each year of incarceration increases the odds that the inmate’s marriage will end in divorce (before or after the inmate gets out of prison) by an average of 32 percent.”
But here’s my experience so far: regardless of whether a marriage can survive prison, love can survive anything.
Without a shadow of a doubt, I want my husband and my children to come out of this experience with new evidence that love conquers all.
Personally, the experience of having an incarcerated spouse has afforded me a unique opportunity to express and receive love.
Even though my husband is incarcerated, I’m reminded again that true prison is losing the freedom to choose love.
Disclaimer: **I mean no disrespect to those whose circumstances may be completely different than mine.
You may be faced with additional repercussions of a violent offense, such as the stress of a longer sentence in a high security prison. For that, I’m sure you’ll find even greater strength within to match your struggle.
LoveLifeLinks.com hopes you’ll find freedom in love.
Remember, you can feel love anywhere. Anytime. All the time.
